matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my shit smells like andre
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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