Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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