You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
