Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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