peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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