well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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