i wish there were pregnant emoticons
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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