you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize