Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
