You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if only i could text you this smell
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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