we have pet lesbian snakes
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
