I don't remember. Are we still dating?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
