Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
