I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
