we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The feeling are messing with the penis
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
