Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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