Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize