I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
