I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I enjoy the company of your penis
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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