Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
