well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
