Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
