i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
