Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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