we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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