There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
