I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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