Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I look better un-naked...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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