if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
