I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
