Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
