I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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