You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
