i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
