Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
