Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm passing your future prison.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You pole danced in your parka.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
