Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
