apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
