Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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