i jhust puked up my retainher.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
