I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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