This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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