how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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