I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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