just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
