I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
