Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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