He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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