I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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