I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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