Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
