I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
