I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
