I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The struggles of a small town man whore
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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