just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
