After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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