the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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