I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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