Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
from now on my penis is your penis
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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