My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
