My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have already put on my inside pants.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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