His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
