I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
