I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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