sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
